Prom Queen
“I’m My Own Prom Queen”
May 2023
Prom season is coming to an end and I thought it would be a good time to share a personal story with you all. Before I get into the details; I’d first like to say that I am in no way looking to slander or defame anyone’s character. My intent in sharing this personal experience is to share and inspire others to feel empowered to live their best lives. So hold tight, tighten your seatbelt because here we go……I can’t make this -ish up……. My Junior year was in 1998 and I had been dating (aka going “steady”) my boyfriend for a couple of years by then. He was 4 years older than me and was attending college, so to have him come back to a High School function was like pulling teeth. After multiple attempts to convince him to go, he finally agreed. I was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. Fact #1- I asked my own date for my Junior Prom. Looking for a dress was solely my own responsibility because at this time, I was estranged from my father and my mother was a single mom, which meant that she worked a lot. So the dress shopping adventure was not as exciting as what we’ve been able to provide for our own children, today. Am I right??? Ugh….the dress shopping was so stressful for me; but with my young determination, I wasn’t letting anyone or anything keep me from this. Prom was a milestone that I had been looking forward to for a very long time. I don’t remember too many specifics on the actual dress but I do remember thinking, “Hmmmm… well at least it’s not WHITE WHITE. Cream is close enough.” I started working once I was able to get my driver’s license which really helped ease the stress on cost. Fact #2- I paid and earned my own money to buy a dress, shoes, and nails. (Please know I am not complaining or bragging about this. I’m just giving you the entire picture that I was really excited for this night). The group plan was to all meet up at his home for the group photos and where we would all have our families come to take pictures. Our group of friends decided to rent a limousine to take us to dinner. (I don’t even remember where we went to dinner because this memory has been embedded so deeply in my memory. I’ve since learned, through therapy, that this is a very common defense mechanism for trauma survivors.). After dinner, our driver took us back to town and dropped us off at the dance. Not realizing by this point, the group had decided to only stay for the individual pictures offered to us by an assigned photographer. Fact #3- NOT ONE SLOW DANCE, not any kind of dancing was part of this friend group’s itinerary. Sad Face…. Apparently, it had been decided that we were only at the dance to take these pictures and then “go party”. (Yes, underage drinking was a lot easier to get away with back then). Plans had been made to go party at one of his close friends’ houses. In a group full of ten people, I was the youngest so there was no way in h*ll was I going speak up and be the only one to ask to stay at the dance. If I could talk to my 16-year-old self; oh the things that I’d tell her. Hahaha. After all our couple photos were taken, we left Prom and all met up at this friend’s house where others who didn’t go to Prom, met us. Our group of friends was all mixed with amazing people. Couples, Singles, Mingles, and a KEG!!!! Back then Kegs of beer were a requirement to have at any house party. But something felt different about this night. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it; but my gut (now I know where my Spirit Guides were), kept sending this eery feeling to me almost nauseating. Funny how I can remember the feeling but I can’t remember where we had dinner huh? As the night went on, I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone knew something or was talking about something that I had no idea about. I’d walk into the kitchen and everyone would immediately stop talking. Or I’d join someone in the backyard where the Keg was and I’d hear someone say, “Did he tell her yet?” What the heck right? It caused me to be on SUPER HIGH ALERT and it dawned on me…..I had been in this home once before. Maybe that’s the wonky feeling I couldn’t shake. The home that we were in was a home of my Aunt’s and Uncle’s. I had learned how to swim in that home. My Uncle showed me how to mix my mashed potatoes and corn for dinner in this dining room. My Aunt made the best Marshmallow-est rice crispy treats for us in that home. It was once filled with wonderful happy childhood memories. Memories that gave me comfort and joy, which started to help me calm down and chill out. “Because what if it’s NOT about me?”……… What if these “friends” weren’t even talking about me? Then the world stopped. My boyfriend had pulled me to the side and informed me that he had been cheating on me for months and that their “hookups” were ongoing. But wait!!!!! There’s more….. SHE WAS THERE!!!! SHE WAS SOMEONE WHO I WAS FORCED TO BE AROUND, for multiple family gathering events. She was someone who had been on my “radar” for months and I knew deep down that something was off with the both of them. Everyone in that house KNEW he was going to come clean to me on PROM NIGHT!!!! I was obviously upset and mortified along with all the other emotions that flood you when you hear that your biggest fear, your intuition had been screaming at me for months, come true. I don’t remember much after that, other than the uncontrollable crying. My heart had been shattered and the worst part was that not only was this all done in public around our peers; but it was a complete SET UP!!!! She demanded to be at that night’s party and hindsight looking back, I think it was because she wanted to fight me if I spouted off. So I didn’t. I shamed myself into guilt and turned it all around asking “What’s wrong with me?” As if it were all my fault. I stayed with this man for another TWO years after this. Begging and pleading for him to choose me. BUT WAIT THERES MORE!…….(this is where my stories all take a turn and I just chuck it up to “I can’t make this sh*t up”)…….. because of their infidelity; I undertook a series of blood testing for the virus HIV. Apparently, this female that he chose to cheat with was undergoing her own series of HIV testing because one of her partners had recently been diagnosed with it. At this time (1998-ish); HIV and AIDS were at the epicenter of the healthcare world. By the grace of God, I continued to test negative for a couple of years after that, until I was certain that they hadn’t put me at risk. I swore to myself that I’d never put up with infidelity or cheating again. That quickly became a HARD LINE that I would no longer ever allow anyone to treat me like that. As mentioned above, I stayed with him for another two years after this Prom night; ending it with him dumping me for another woman whom he had already started up a relationship with from his college. ( I believe they are married). Fact #4- This incident would later become one of my first memories to explore and heal from trauma, many years later. Again; devastated, heartbroken, and embarrassed, but certainly clear on what I would and wouldn’t allow in any future relationships. That night I crowned myself as my OWN PROM QUEEN. xoxoxox. Please know that I share these to help inspire others and remind you that no matter how dark the darkness can be at times…..you are never alone. Please reach out if you need help. ashgillespie99@gmail.com XOXOXOXO. Sending my love. Ash Marie
