July 2023

Spring of 2005, I was standing in the stairwell of a mezzanine when I literally had to scream at the top of my lungs;  “I’m PREGNANT!!!” to my mother as I asked her to step out of her office.  At that time of my life I was newly graduated from CAC (or so I thought- but that’s another story for another day) and barely 24 years old.  Madly in love with this cute and older guy who just happened to be the drummer in a local band that was actively writing an album and performing in clubs and bars.  Bonus that he had an adorable little girl who called him “Daddy” and seeing how much he loved his little Squirt, which he used to call her then.  Plus, his blue eyes kinda sealed the deal for me, which I’m sure if you asked him in person, he’d also agree that he has killer eyes. Haha.  He and I were these fantastic friends who became ENCHANTED with each other so we decided to try and give the ‘ol marriage and babies and dogs and house and white picket fence, etc…… a GO.  Sure, why not? We both wanted it and we had already been living together for a few months.  Which again, worked until it didn’t.  (Anyone noticing a potential habit forming here?)- another one for another day.

That’s when we were given one of the most precious gift that I’d ever imagined.  It was a beautiful Sunday Fall afternoon in November of 2005 when I met Her for the very first time; LadyBug.  After eighteen long hours of labor, our darling daughter; LadyBug; had been born that morning. Friends and family from all over came to see this precious baby girl born into this world and I couldn’t help but think that they too, knew just how special this child was, and was going to be.  That’s the exact moment that she and I locked eyes, and it shook me to the core.  I had never experienced that with anyone in my entire (25 years) life. Lol. But you get the point.  This alien that was growing in my belly was the one who gave me unbearable heartburn.  This was the alien that kicked me in the ribs and I’d push them back.  Haha.  This was the alien that only hard cinnamon candy relieved nausea.  The one who would later become my entire world.  LadyBug…….opened her eyes to look up at me and I swear to goodness sakes she smiled at me.  From that moment, I was all hers.  She had me at Hello.  It was me and her.  The girls stick together gang.  This was the beginning of My LOVE STORY that I vowed to whoever would listen, here in the physical world and/or in the spirit world, I swore I’d die first before I’d let anything ever harm her.  From that day on, LadyBug became my “why” for everything!!!  Even if that meant that I’d have to fight through the PPD and the sleepless night, countless hours pumping breast milk for LadyBug so we could nurse for as long as we could.  I did all that when I went back to work on the swing shift six weeks after she was born.  A small “sacrifice” that I was willing to “give” for the sake of starting up a new family.  We both tried to do what we thought would be best for our family, but we kind of forgot to tell each other what that looked like for each of us.  Lol.  After our attempts of saving our marriage, LadyBug was the sweetest little 3-year-old when the divorce was finalized.  My heart broke because I knew ALL TOO WELL what being a child from a “broken family” meant.  But after some TRECHEROUS years of trial and error, we managed to find our happy place in co-parenting that worked effectively for LadyBug.  I’m not gonna lie; it wasn’t all unicorns and glitter, although I sort of wished it was…..but it wasn’t.  It took THE WAY I LOVED YOU, LadyBug to get where we’re at now.  I was determined to get us a fresh new start and start building from the ground up with you.  We would SHAKE IT OFF and find our new normal together.  We were to BEGIN AGAIN.  Then Egypt happened……….

2008 was a defining moment for both of us and even now (TODAY), this is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for me to discuss.  I’m fighting through the fear of sharing this only with one intention.  My purpose is even if one person becomes inspired by our story, and it leads them to their way of healing and feeling SAFE AND SOUND, then our vulnerability will be worth it.  In February 2009, LadyBug started preschool because she was thriving and wanting to learn anything and everything all at the same time and backward and forwards, sideways, diagonal, you name it.  She wanted to learn about it.  It was by THE STATE OF GRACE, that she was the next child on the list to start up preschool through our local Headstart Program and we qualified for State Assistance.  I didn’t have a pot to piss in, or a turnip to squeeze after the divorce and bankruptcy.  LadyBug wasn’t going to be affected by my “mistakes” in any way. As long as I had a pulse, she was going to “have better” than I.  Head Start is a federally funded program that serves children and their families who are at or below the federal poverty level. Link:  https://www.azed.gov/ece/head-start#:~:text=Arizona%20Head%20Start%20Programs%20provide,a%20strong%20parent%20involvement%20focus.

This is one of those times when I turn around annd look back at part of our journey when our Spirit Guides intervened.  They held us by the hand and were the ones responsible for your name being drawn in a raffle to start preschool mid-year, a year early!!!!  (Little nugget of info for later).  Perhaps it was fate unfolding without us even knowing that it would end up being part of OURS? Either way, I am forever grateful to them, these teachers (Ms. Shannon and Ms. Lucy), they are the ones who taught you what “Good Touch” and “Bad Touch” was.  Had we known then what we know now, we could’ve chalked it up to just some BAD BLOOD.  Joking but not joking.  I was making spaghetti and you walked up to me and whispered, “Mommy I have something to tell you.”  We locked eyes and I KNEW!!!!  You didn’t have to say one word and I knew where this was going.  I’m still HAUNTED by that day.  But I’m working on it in therapy.  K. lol.  I shut the burner of the stove off and took your tiny little four-year-old hand into MINE and we walked back to our bedroom.  With my EYES OPEN I watched my beautiful little LadyBug disclose to me about inappropriate touching and grooming that was being done to her and she was specifically told to keep secret.  All the blood drained down to my feet and I do remember hearing your sweet little voice, “Are you mad at me Mommy? I’m sorry Mommy.  I told POISON that I didn’t want to and POISON made me still do it.”......................radio silence…………. (take a break here if you need to, please.)...............(come back when you are ready for the upswing happy part).................. As you can imagine; my entire world stopped rotating and this is when “Soldier Mode Ash”, hatches out from her amphibian-like nest of eggs and takes over for the next 10 years.  Hahaha.  No. But seriously though.  LadyBug is the true hero.  She was the only GORGEOUS one at four years old, who called bullshit amongst all the ADULTS involved with this POISON.  Had she not been chosen for the program, had they not taught her about “good touch vs. bad touch” and “good secrets vs. bad secrets”, had she been the FOOLISH ONE keeping its secret, the cycle of abuse would’ve continued.  At four years old, this child was my hero.  I was THE LUCKY ONE !!!

This is where I stop.  Always, out of respect for my daughter, she and I have agreed that this is where I stop. For her privacy and her spirit, anything more needs to be squashed, unless LadyBug, HERSELF says otherwise.  THIS IS A NON NEGOTIONABLE.  Although, I can say that KARMA is my new boyfriend; the POISON that LadyBug faced head-on is currently incarcerated on a separate unrelated charge; Second Degree Murder.  (Don’t come at me; it’s in public records, Brick Brains.) Thank you KARMA!!!  (Again…..Another story for another time). Fast forward to our GET AWAY CAR 10 years later.  Thankfully our lives only continued to grow and be fruitful and with a lot of HARD WORK, physically and mentally, our family just kind of worked like a well-oiled machine that ran pretty smoothly, for most of that decade.  Ha.  Now the kids are in their teenage years.  First loves, secret handshakes, LAVENDER HAZEs, driving, first jobs, late-night FaceTime calls, LONDON BOYS, and windows to be snuck out of…….yup………she was definitely a child from my womb.  Haha.  And the funny part is that she still questions if I ever “know” about it or not.  Haha.  I’m an Empathic Psychic Medium who can hear what she says before she even thinks of saying it.  Hahaha.  Again.  Kidding but not.  LadyBug is thriving and doing amazingly in her dance hobby; in fact, she worked and studied like the FEARLESS goddess that she is.  Winning dance competitions and advancing quickly in both her dancing and academics.  LadyBug was/is one of those individuals who will live their entire life learning about something and applying it someway, somehow, because that’s just who she is, but FIFTEEN……….ughhhhhhh.  FIFTEEN was a rough one, huh LadyBug?  

DEAR READER, thanks for hanging in there.  This might be a good bookmarking spot for those who (like me) need breaks for long reads………..WHAT????  Lol.  YES, there’s more…….

Two more I’d like to share.  

• Intermission Message:  The entire reason for this blog topic this month; in case you haven’t figured that out yet; I’m dedicating this entire Blog Post to my MARJORIE……………..my LadyBug.  She’s hit a chapter of her journey where privacy and boundaries are respected and honored.  Whether I agree with them or not………I am her safe place.  I don’t take that job very lightly.  Especially after this last part of our LadyBug’s Tribute.  She deserves it.  You’ll see……..

(........continued).

As LadyBug conquered one skyscraper at a time, WELCOME TO NEW YORK, there grew a dark cloud that eventually turned into a whimsical shade of MIDNIGHT RAIN.  The pressure of many uncontrollable circumstances lead to many of our own children lost and confused during The 2020 Worldwide Pandemic.  Hence my story continues.  It was early Spring of 2021 when I noticed a shift in LadyBug.  She fell down this LABYRINTH of the unknown that I couldn’t even guide her out.  It was a super frustrating MASTERMIND twisted place for me to be in because I didn’t know HOW to help my very own flesh and blood.  I was in “Soldier Mode Ash”, and I had no idea how to even begin to help my own child navigate through these things called feelings.  What were those???  I actually had those too.  Unbeknownst to me she yet again, was reminding me that she was my hero.  Sunday, May 2, 2021, started out normal and ended not so much.  LadyBug had spiraled very quickly into a headspace where it became dangerous for her to be left alone.  I couldn’t just say “YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN” and that magically works.  Thankfully we had been given mental health resources ahead of time by her therapist.  After calling the Teen Crisis number we took her to the hospital and she was admitted for a grueling 7 days.  

• National Crisis Number is 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.  

• The Arizona Teen Crisis number that we called was 602-248-TEEN (8336).  

Link:  https://www.azahcccs.gov/BehavioralHealth/crisis.html

Again, for LadyBug’s privacy and respect that’s all I’ll say about that.  After a couple of years of the new new new normalcy (I’ve lost track by this point), she still managed to earn a place on her High School’s Varsity Pom Team the following year.  She did it again her Junior year and midway through that year, she comes in like the powerhouse that she is and announces that she’s decided to graduate high school an entire year early.  Oh but it doesn’t end there because this is my very last public post, I’m sharing it all!!!!  

She has been accepted into Arizona State University at 17 years old for Neuroscience and the Department of Psychology.  LadyBug starts college this AUGUST.  To call her my hero just doesn’t fit anymore.  I’m humbled that the universe, a FALSE GOD, or whatever you believe, I’m humbled that I ended up being the one that she got to call Momma.  She’s not only my hero, but she is also an inspiration to heal my own wounds and come back swinging, BEJEWELED, and all.  I’ll love you FOREVER AND ALWAYS.  Now go LONG LIVE to your most authentic self and remember, you’re my Number One #1, like, The 1.  I am so proud of you and continue to be inspired by you just being YOU!!!   Keep moving those mountains and sprinkling kindness like it’s confetti.  Xoxoxox. Mom. Xoxoxox